Monday, July 28, 2014

Tales of Tiffany Love: Est. 2014.

Last night (actually a couple of nights ago now because I am late in editing this post), I had a dream. Nothing unusual. Everybody dreams.

But you see.. dreaming is a strange category for me.

The dreams I have are quite intense. I always remember them and every single one feels real, even after I wake up. It's actually pretty cool, except for when it isn't, but I am sure we will talk about that more another time.

This particular dream was quite tame, but what I gathered from it was pretty life altering.

In the dream, I was in my 7th grade homeroom class with my five or six closest friends from elementary/middle school. At the front of the class, was one of my favorite middle school teachers, Mrs. Williams. It was like a mini reunion because it was set in the present, but we were all sitting in the desks, ready to learn. When class/the reunion/whatever-you-want-to-call-it began, Mrs. Williams went around to each of us and asked us about our lives and future plans, then asked to see our notebook. 

Back story: Every day in 7th grade, we had to answer a daily journal question in our notebooks... mine ALWAYS ended with "I don't know" or "I'm not really sure."

Okay. We're back. So yes, she wanted to check our notebooks. When it got to my friend Jacob, he told her his plans, but he hadn't been writing in his notebook. Everyone there dramatically gasped, except for me. I was next in line, so she asked me about my plans, and my response was "I don't really know yet." She frowned slightly, but had hope in her voice as she asked to see my notebook, knowing that there was no way I would not have it filled... She was wrong. I hadn't done it. 

At this point, everyone in class is freaking out. Everyone besides me and Jacob filled out their notebooks, and Jacob and I were the kids that always had their assignments done and absolutely loved writing and anything artistic. Mrs. Williams is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet, and that fact stood true in the dream. She looked at the two of us and proceeded to say that she was so sad to hear that we quit writing and was disappointed in us both. She looks at Jacob, however, and says she is glad he is pursuing his dreams and expressing himself. She then looks at me and asks, "What happened to you? Why did you stop?"

& I woke up.

That may not be detrimental to you and your mental well being, but for me, this was terrible. I hate disappointing people, and I have always had a complex with having insane "above average" expectations for myself. I sat there thinking this actually happened for a bit and frantically attempted to piece together a notebook when I finally realized it was just a dream. Of course, the next step was analyzing the dream that sent me into a downward spiral. Rather than bore you with all the sub points, I am just going to give you the take away...

I am not doing what I love.

At some point, I got caught up in the hustle and bustle of "the real world" and "being an adult" and forgot to take time to do what I love and truly enjoy. Due to my hectic schedule, I am now allotting time to do what I want, whether that be music stuff, writing, making videos, whatever. The fact I am having to set aside time do all this actually stresses me out, but I am no longer going to just push it all aside like it doesn't matter. I need to do these things to keep my mental sanity meh. If I don't do them, I will become stressed out to the max.

And that is why this blog now exists. I love telling stories, expressing myself, and making something out of nothing. I want and need to get back into doing those things, and what is a better starting point than blogging?

I am in this cool (and terrifying) place where I can do and become whatever I want. I have no idea what that is yet or what in the world God has in store for me, but I am going to use this platform (and my Youtube channel) to document every step.

No worries, Mrs. Williams! I am done disappointing you... even if it was only a fictional version of you.

xx.Tiffany